I feel inferior. I always do. The moment I stepped into Nanyang, I did.

Everyone around me is always better than me in something. They're either good with sports, or good with their studies. I, however, have none. I'm in choir, but I can't even sing! What irony.

All I am is - high, enthusiastic. I'm not even reliable. Even if teachers see me as a person with potential leadership qualities. I end up losing. Real hard. So hard, I won't fight anymore.

Everyone has something, a gift from god. Looks, brains, athletic skills. I, however, have none. Maybe God ran out of gifts last minute, and decided to ignore me, thinking that I'll probably be fine without one. But the point it, I'm not.

I study hard to get good results, whereas some others can simply slack away and achieve results on par or even better than me. I'm not going to rant about looks, because I can't be bothered about appearances, fine, maybe a little, but I don't really... bother that much. I was born with no sports talent, like 0%, and it makes me feel so bad when other get it immediately and I don't. It feels just so annoying, it makes me feel so dumb and stupid compared to others. Musical talent, I doubt I have anything much, even if I do have. I can't sing for god sake, someone tell me why I'm in choir again. I gave up on piano, because I thought it would be too taxing for myself.

Lastly, I wonder what I am to my friends. I'm glad, that some people actually trust me, and I thank you guys for entrusting me with your secrets, and personal stuff, I really thank you guys for believing in me. Thank you so much. I never thought that I'll be 'trustworthy' enough for you guys to pour out so much of your personal matters to me. I never thought I was someone like that. I always thought that people have this bad impression of me, about how I'm flippant with studies and life, about how I'm forever so high, I might as well get transported into IMH right now. Therefore, thank you (: But I wonder how many of my long-term good friends think of me. I mean, I don't doubt them, I definitely don't! But, sometimes, people have periods of time when you get irritated, even if it's someone you love. It's within human nature, no one can stop it. Sometimes, I feel I'm too blunt/selfish, and end up regretting what came out of my mouth. Then, I internally slap myself for saying things I should not have. But, I feel we should be honest, with each other, shouldn't we? I sound like I'm covering up for my selfishness, oh dear.

Not being able to understand people's feelings well, is probably another of my weak points. And probably also one of my main drives to actually study psychology. People are prone to hiding feelings, and I seriously don't want my friends to hide their feelings when they are feeling upset or someone to lie to me, just because they think I might get angry. I want to know the truth. That is all. And studying psychology will probably help me understand myself and human nature better. Telling how someone feels based on actions, is cool, and helpful. And thanks to researching a bit, I've found out how to tell when someone is feeling insecure/uncomfortable around me. Tellling if someone is lying is possible to master, but it will take some time.But then again, what if people think I'm scary because I can 'read' them? Sigh, dilemmas in life.

I know this blog post might make me sound like a b****. People will start telling me, "Why not fight hard for it?", or "Why blame it on God?" or something else. The point is, you'll never understand how someone with absolutely no talent feels. That feeling is terrible. Having nothing to own is terrible, having nothing to be proud of is terrible. I'm sorry for ranting. And thank you, if you've read this whole post without thinking that I'm some sort of delusional student.