Ever
felt so worthless that you start giving up on yourself?
Well,
if you are popular, smart, pretty, cute, cool, suave, sporty and all, you
wouldn't have had. But I do, all the time.
It
bothers me a lot. Like the amount of fats I have in my stomach, how my face is
so weirdly proportioned, and have a really terrible attitude that people have
to put up with all the time.
They
said, "Why compare yourselves with others so much?"
Basically
I can't help it. I've grown up comparing myself to others academically. And
then when I finally come to realise in Secondary 2 that I have nothing I'm
actually good at, I started looking for it, something I'm good at, a talent
that no one else could possess.
I'm
Secondary 4 now, going onto 16, and guess what? I couldn't find anything that
belongs to me and only me.
I
tried and tried, and cried a lot in the process of looking for it - my purpose
in life. If there was nothing I was good at, then what's the point of living?
What's the point of being strong?
I
tried. I really did.
Some
things are just there they way they were. I wasn't born with a model like
figure - I had been chubby since young, I wasn't born with a face that people
would call pretty and I wasn't exactly outstanding in terms of sense of
presence. I'm probably just the kind of "Oh, I see her," and you'll
forget me a second later girl.
I
wasn't born exactly smart either. I had never been top in anything in class. I
don't have leadership skills, I get nervous on stage, I'm not science-smart, I
can only achieve As in Math through tons of hard work and I can't write a
decent essay.
It's
not just that that I'm bad at.
I
played the piano, starting from when I was around Primary One (7 years old) and
I carried on till I was 12. It was then I realised playing the piano had become
such a strenuous thing for me, my love for the piano was fading away. I enjoyed
playing the piano, but if playing it was going to be such a tiring and tearful
process... I don't want to continue anymore. I passed Grade 5 with a merit for
practical and a distinction for my theory and gave up since then.
I
tried to learn French. It went well at first, and I was so happy that I was
finally learning a new language. I imagined myself walking down the streets of
Paris and Bordeaux, talking to the locals there and sipping wine at a classy
restaurant. I had loved the subject so much. However when I realised that my
100% effort in learning this subject was only a B4, I gave up completely.
I
told others I had lost interest in the language and hated the teachers, but
that wasn't true. I love their culture, I love how the people there respect
their red wine, I love how the words roll off your tongue so easily. I might
have been wrong for not hanging in there further. But I could no longer find
any motivations.
I
tried playing some sport. In primary school, I made it to the senior badminton
team in school and I was overwhelmed with joy. My happiness didn't last for
long when I saw that the rest in the team were so much stronger than me in
every way. I was probably put into the team because I looked stupid training
with the junior team, the coach took pity on me, and yadda yadda. In Secondary
School came the point where you try out a few sports a year. Pretty interesting
I thought, maybe there would be one I'll be good at!
What
was I talking about - being good in a sport. I can't even finish running 2.4km
without feeling like dying.
In
Secondary 1, I was still oblivious to how useless I was, so I didn't really
care during Physical Education lessons. However in Secondary 2, I felt so tiny.
So overpowered by the rest of my class. But I didn't think much of it, majority
of them were in a sports CCA, I thought it would be natural for them to excel
in sports. In 2011, I was Secondary Three, it dawned upon me. Give it up,
you'll never be able to find a sport that you are good at. When I make a goal,
I feel so proud of myself, but when I start looking around and see people
shooting hoops like it was nothing, I felt so naive to be beaming just because
of one goal. In Secondary Four, when I start looking around seriously, even my
friends were all just so talented in sports. It's like magic ran through
whatever they touched and they can pick up skills so fast.
And
yet, I can't do anything with a racket, a bat, a ball, or a stick.
Now,
as I’m typing out my life story. I feel so darn useless. For what have I been
living for these past few years?
