Today, I won't have time to do exercise, so, I'm feeling a little guilty for having a slice of pizza for dinner D:

But anyway, I am going to follow this diet till CNY because I'm going to have the time to do exercise since lessons do not start till Feb.

The diet I'm going to follow is the GM diet. Just fruits, veg and protein. Apparently it works, especially for people who are overweight, one can lose 5-6 kg per week, for normal people 2-4kg per week is ideal.

YOSH. I SHALL TRY THIS.

Well, in the blink of an eye, the year's going to end soon. I can't believe it. It's already 29.12.2012 as I type this post. So it's like 3 days before the year ends. I'm thinking if I should send out New Year letters, but I think I'll just send emails or... I don't somehow find a way to wish everyone good luck with the new year.

Now, I shall give a report (HAHA) on my weight loss (yes, I do need to lose weight because I'm morbidly obese to the skinny people who cry over exceeding 40kg a little. Shut. Up.)

I have not even lost 10kg D: But I shall be determined and lose maybe 5kg next week. Fruit diet yosh! Taking the diet which hospitalized people take, it's some sort of crash diet to lose 6kg before some operation, so yes, I'm betting on it that it'll work. No, it must.

Let me clarify myself, I'm not slimming down to impress any guys, no, I am not. In case people happen to chance upon this blog and start calling me the B word. Because I care for my health and I don't want to end up with any cancer of any sorts.

My daily exercise routine has been:

15 min on the whee whee bicycle
15 min on the treadmill
30 min of H.I.I.T on the cross trainer

And yes, I'm quite satisfied with this routine, and I'm losing weight well enough with it. 5kg so far! Omg I stepped on the weighing scale this morning and then I was like DAFUQ because my weight dropped down to the next kg already! Means around next Monday, it'll be another kg goneeee~

Dieting has been going smoothly. I've been avoiding carbohydrates and animal fat. Fruits and vegetables now make up my meals, and I guess it's fine because I'm not dead yet. I'm not turning anorexic for all dear friends who care (: Been eating salmon for dinner for quite a few times, and when I googled "Number of calories in a piece of salmon" today, I found out that 300g of salmon contains only around 438 calories, which is honestly not much ._. I calculated my Basic Metabolism rate too, which means the amount of calories you burn by not moving around the whole day (HAHA) and it was 1520+, not a lot, but considering I'm practically consuming only 80 calories for breakfast and lunch + that measly 500 calories from salmon, I'll have a natural calorie deficit of... more than a 1000 calories 8D and then with exercise which I burn around 500+ calories... HAHAHAHA. I'll lose a kg in 2-3 days... or less ._.

Ideal weight is 55kg though~ As long it's within the healthy BMI range! :D

Jiayou!

The gentle sea breeze blew past her cheeks and neck. Time check - 5.05AM. She dropped her hand to her side once again, letting out a long sigh. Wiggling her toes in the sand, she enjoyed the feeling of sand rushing in between her toes. Time check - 5:06AM Time really was not co-operating with her.

As she strolled along the beach, thoughts of what had happened last year drifted afloat in her mind, so much had happened, yet, everything seemed like a distant memory now - she would never reach them no matter how hard she tried. Stopping in her tracks, she stared far into the horizon, the waters were dyed a pitch black by the night sky, the stars reflected as the occasional glitter among the waves that crashed against the shoreline. She didn't know if her ears were being sensitive or the silence around her made it so much easier, she could hear were the deep hollow tone of the ships at least a mile away and the few taxis that drove by at this time of the day. Time check - 5:10AM Sitting down impatiently on the grainy sand, she had little care whether she would dirty her dress. (TBC - I can't write anymore. Sigh. This is crap. Dear readers, IGNORE THANK YOU)

Reading books make me wonder if I'll ever be able to write like them.

I wish I could become an author :D

Must as well come up with a wishlist and resolution list as well xD

Wishlist:
- Visit a Japanese bar
- Lose 15 kg before Chinese New Year! (Lost 4.5 kg already~)
- Somehow my fanfiction would become a book xD
- Learn Japanese and the drums! (if I have the time, but one at a time works as well~)
- Good grades in HCJC! (PLEASE)
- Make new, nice friends in HCJC
- I won't change in JC
- Stay close to all of my friends <3
- I'll continue later on~

Resolution list:
- I will eat healthy!
- I will be hardworking!
- I will not be lazy!
- I will not succumb to anything!
- I will fight!
- I will live!
- I WILL SURVIVE!

Unsure

Recently, I have been pretty unsure about my life. What I plan to do with it, and how I plan to live it. All these doubts remain fuzzy because no one knows what the future can bring.

Reading lots of books recently has made me realise many things. More about human emotions I guess. How important home can be, and what is love, exactly. Honestly, I sometimes ask myself, how human am I? Am I human enough? After many rounds of thinking, I decided that I might not be the person who is the most human at heart, but at least I have feelings. What makes one human in the first place? Not killing someone, not abusing animals? I am sure it's not just all that. What makes human really human are emotions I guess. What would life be like without feelings and emotions? There would be no happiness, no love and weirdly enough, no disappointment and negative feelings. We would all be like robots, therefore not human. How un-human am I? I don't know, maybe because I don't cry at things I am supposed to cry for. I don't honestly feel that easily even if I look like I do. I get sappy when I watch romance anime, but stories like My Sister's Keeper, I brush then off like it is nothing, because I don't feel. Once in a while, I'll feel guilty for not feeling sad, but...

Sigh. I wish someone could consolidate all the answers to my doubts in a book. That would be great.

Has anyone ever come to a state when everything around you just reminds you of how utterly useless and hopeless you are? I have. I'm currently in this state where even Facebook can remind me of how I can't bloody draw and everything. How many times have I told myself to face it, to face the fact that I can't bloody do anything? Countless, but till to no avail. If I could jump off the building, I would have. I would have.

xxx days after liberty:

Holidays are boring. It's so funny how we look forward to them when all the examinations come crashing down on us and then we shout, "I'm bored," on a daily basis when they are finally here.

Honestly, I have not accomplished much during the holidays and that makes me really sad D: I don't know why, but I'm probably just too lazy to get started on anything. Maybe it's high time I started on Japanese and drums/guitar anyway. If I can handle it somehow next year, I shall learn.

I've not been progressing much with studies, read a little of biology and econs, but it's like almost nothing is going it. And I blame the weather, really, I do. When it's in the afternoon, it's so warm and stuffy I want to sleep and when it's night time, it's so cold, I want to sleep. There, blaming the weather successfully.

Recently, I've not been talking much to any of them either, probably the lack of topics to chat about now. I mean I don't want to spazz over Sherlock and Downton Abbey with people who don't watch it anyway, they'd be bored.

Speaking of which, I think I'm starting to understand her a little now, like it's hard to talk to people you're close to about things that are troubling you. I find it way easier to talk to juniors and other rather close friends about things in life as compared to watermelons. I don't know, it's like you're afraid that you'll trouble them unnecessarily and worse, they might even think differently of you.

But I still love you guys anyway~

While blog hopping today, I've discovered that it is probably time to change my mindset. That mindset that would probably stop myself from progressing any further down life's path. That fear that I would be heading no where as long as there is one person who is better than I am. Let's face it, I was not born a genius. I am lacking in so many areas, no one would want to be me. I can't put the rare so called talents I have to good use. And I want to be better than the rest, what bull have I been talking or thinking about this past year. What do I have in me to make myself a cut above the rest? Nothing. There are so many people out there. 7 billion as of the end of last year, and to be the top of that, it's impossible. Even in Singapore alone, it's probably impossible. Scrape probably, it is impossible. There are many who blog so well, many who draw so well. So maybe it's time to move on, accept this truth that I'm never going to be anywhere near the top. I really should be happy being average. It is after all, better than nothing.

I am desperate to know what being in love is like. Someone tell me please.

I can't believe this, a month into the long awaited holidays and I'm starting to feel useless all over again. While walking around in Popular this afternoon, I saw this book that Singaporean writer, Kassandra Kong wrote. It was called the Knights of Iris. On the cover, it stated that everyone was born into this world with a purpose in life. I thought, what other purpose could I have, other than studying?

Back home, I was scrolling through Facebook and I saw things that made me feel really bad. I got jealous. I'd admit, I get jealous rather easily, but being jealous of a friend is something I want to avoid and stay clear of at all costs. Being jealous of a friend is not something that I'd agree with myself, but still, I got jealous. How can someone be so talented in every single aspect and do well in everything she does? I don't understand just how unfair can this world get, but then again, it can get horribly unfair if I compared the life I'm living to the lives of those living in poverty. But that's not the main point. I thought I had gotten over the whole 'I'm useless' issue, but I guess it refused to leave my heart and it's still lying there, somewhere deep inside my heart.

My mother told me something that day, a flaw that I'd never noticed myself; I am a stubborn person who can't stand others being better than me, the moment I see someone being better than me in something, I give the prospect of pursuing that something, even if it's something I love tremendously. It happened when I learnt piano, according to her. And French as well. How pathetic of me. What a flaw.

Is there really nothing I can do? Nothing I can do to make myself into a person of higher value, someone that the society wouldn't brand useless? I don't know. I really don't want to harp over this during the holidays.

But, what can I do?