Has anyone ever come to a state when everything around you just reminds you of how utterly useless and hopeless you are? I have. I'm currently in this state where even Facebook can remind me of how I can't bloody draw and everything. How many times have I told myself to face it, to face the fact that I can't bloody do anything? Countless, but till to no avail. If I could jump off the building, I would have. I would have.
Magazines remind me of the fact that I'm some fat pig desperately going on a diet to look like them but will never occur anyway.
Facebook reminds me of the fact that I can't bloody draw and the fact that I'm not creative enough.
Tumblr's going to make things worse, let's just not talk about it.
Dramas make me think of why I can't act and why can't I have the flair of acting.
Storybooks remind me of how I can't even write my own darn story.
Everything, just practically everything reminds me of something that I can't bloody do.
And I can't bloody do everything.
I am sick. And I am tired of it all. Of everything. I don't even want to live anymore. Can anyone hear how desperate I am? No, because I'm not good with words and I can't express myself clearly. See, get what I mean. Crying won't work because it won't make me better at anything.
I have this small brain that won't bring my anywhere except the hawker centre with a pushcart yelling, "Buy your drinks here," I have short legs that won't bring me anywhere on the tracks. I have everything that some may ask for, but what's the fucking point if I can't use them anyway.
Why must God torture me like that? Why can't he give me at least a gift that will make me uniquely me.
I'm jealous. I'm jealous of everybody I'm scared that one day I'll hate everyone around me. I hate her, because she does well in everything. I hate her. I really do. She runs fast. She draws well. She's top in every bloody thing. And I'm at the bottom. And all I can do is look up at her.
No one understands. Really no one ever does. No matter how you comfort me, remember, you all have something in you, and I don't. It doesn't help when you remind me of something I don't want to think about. You know what? Just stay away from me. Don't come close to me. Go away. Every single one of you. I don't care if I'm alone anymore. If I have nothing already, then let it be.
My life is over. Good bye.
